


The Narrowest of Narrow Margins

by Janewahay



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Anxiety, Exams, Fish, Panic Attacks, Pre-Accident, Rimmer is a Human Disaster but what's new, Siliconia, The End
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 23:09:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13468542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janewahay/pseuds/Janewahay
Summary: "Lister, last time I only failed by the *narrowest* of narrow margins.""You what? You walked in there, wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted."Rimmer attempts the astronavigation exam and fails in a spectacular manner.





	The Narrowest of Narrow Margins

It was a Thursday morning on The JMC mining ship Red Dwarf, or at least what passed for morning in deep space. The ship was on course for Ganymede and life on board was progressing as per usual. Captain Hollister was in his office, eating a donut and pointedly avoiding the Very Important captainly things that needed doing. Holly, having just finished the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, was currently browsing the ship’s files looking for his next novel. Olaf Petersen was lying in a drunken stupor under a table in Parrot’s Bar and Third Technician David Lister was enjoying a rare Z-shift in his own company, leaning against vending machine 23, smoking a cigarette and humming absentmindedly.

Second Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer (BSC, SSC) was having a panic attack.

Hunched over his desk in Exam Room 1, he trembled as he tried to keep his anxiety under control. He felt as though his body was too small for the feelings that flowed through him. Surely such intense panic should be visible - not like the slight wobble of a lip as he tried to hold back the sob that was close, so close to breaking free. No, he felt it should visible like a neon sign over his head or a palpable aura of red and of black squiggly lines. He was surprised that his crewmates didn’t break into screams when they passed within ten feet of him. He felt _contagious_.

He forced himself back to the present. The only sounds he could hear were the whirring of the aircyc unit and the scratching of pens on paper. Todhunter was sitting at the front of the room, looking rather bored as he read through what appeared to be an official-looking report, although Rimmer privately suspected it to be a cunningly disguised dirty magazine. He had no proof of course – it just seemed like something he would _do_.

There were about a dozen other people taking the exam, all of whom seemed to have at least some idea what they were doing. It occurred to him that he didn’t really recognise any of them - nobody else was so hopeless as to have to sit the same exam over and over.

_“Come on, Arnold. If they can do it so can you!”_ said a small, vaguely hopeful voice in the back of his mind. The rest of his brain promptly teamed up and began to beat it back into submission. Even so, he screwed up his face in determination and stared at the exam paper. The paper seemed to stare back. Re-reading the first question for the umpteenth time, his lips moved as he tried to comprehend the incomprehensible. He grimaced and moved to the second question. He turned the page over. The letters blurred before his eyes.

It just _wasn’t fair_.

No matter how hard he tried, how many hours he dedicated to designing his study-plan he still couldn’t answer a single smegging question!

As he often did in these situations, he began to curse every single thing that led him to this moment. Why did he have to be on Red Dwarf of all places? Surely if he had been placed on a more advanced ship he could’ve gained experience in the field instead of fussing with exams. And why didn’t his parents have the sense of mind to send him to a better school or to hire a tutor that could’ve succeeded in drilling these facts and figures into his head? In fact, why did he have to learn them at all? Why did he have to learn anything? _Why??_

Why couldn’t he be like the goldfish he had as a child? That goldfish didn’t have to learn complex engineering equations. It didn’t have to learn anything! It had no responsibilities, no anxieties, no overbearing parents. It just spent its life swimming around and doing smeg-all else. Rimmer envied it.

Letting out a shaky breath, he tried to imagine for a moment that he _was_ that fish. Perhaps if he could get into a clear state of mind, this exam might just be possible. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine that sense of calm…

What felt like seconds later, he came back to reality with a shake of his head. Looking down, he saw that his paper was covered with his own handwriting;

_I am a fish. I am a fish. I am a fish. I am a f-_

It sprawled over the entire page. He turned it over – he had written on the other side as well. How on Io had that happened? Raising a fist to his mouth to muffle a scream, he began to panic in earnest.

_Oh smeg smegging smeggy smeg._

He looked at the clock – he still had over an hour…

He could go and ask Todhunter for a replacement paper. Yes, that might work. He still had enough time to get at least some kind of coherent answers down. He might even pass!

As he rose unsteadily to his feet, Todhunter glanced up at him. He started towards the front of the room and then, suddenly feeling self-conscious, stopped. He could feel the eyes of the others on him. He hovered for a moment, torn between his desk, Todhunter, and the door. The door was starting to look very appealing. Willing his brain to make the decision, he swayed slightly on the spot. Then, his brain making the unfortunate decision to go in three different directions at once, he spun wildly for several seconds, arms flailing. Then he fainted.

Todhunter looked at his watch. 53 minutes – it had to be a new record.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this a few months back when I was a) in the middle of exams and b) just beginning to receive treatment for my anxiety. I think that explains a lot.


End file.
